All posts tagged: infertility

Et tu, Brute?

comment 1
Uncategorized

Hello again.  It’s been several weeks since I posted.  There are some very simple explanations for this, as well as reasons which are harder to articulate.  My July was spent with family.  First in Chicago, visiting my mom, my sister, my niece and nephews, both my grandparents, and some extended family; then driving cross-country to Seattle with my dad.  In our current socio-political environment personal travel is viewed with a lot of judgement.  While I […]

Striving for Empathy

Leave a comment
Uncategorized

It’s hard not to be overwhelmed by the current state of our nation.  I’ve been trying to process my own feelings all week. I do not consider myself an appropriate authority to discuss race relations, and I didn’t start this blog to discuss current events.  But I can talk about grief.  I understand grief.  And I think that George Floyd’s death and the resulting protests are emblematic of the profound grief being experienced by many […]

Future Misgivings

comments 4
Uncategorized

The moment my eyes zeroed in on “This Is Not the Life I Ordered” during a rummage sale at Third Place Books, I knew I would buy it.  My heart responded with an immediate and emphatic damn straight!  I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by it’s cover (or title), but in this case, I needn’t have worried.  “This Is Not the Life I Ordered” is written by four middle-aged women who, over […]

On Letting Go of Control

comment 1
Uncategorized

Several years ago my mom’s friend recommended I read “The Untethered Soul: A Journey Beyond Yourself.”  It’s a beautiful book about the relationship between your thoughts and emotions and your true self.  I read it after each of my last three losses, and it helped me experience my grief without being consumed by it.  I pulled it out again this week, because the Covid-19 crisis has challenged my sense my control and triggered old anxieties.  […]

“Good Grief!”

comment 1
Uncategorized

My sister’s friend lost her father two weeks after I lost my fourth pregnancy.  He developed a relatively rare cancer, and though he fought valiantly, died much too young.  I felt so sorry for her.  I am close to my father, as was she, so I could easily imagine her heartbreak.  I also felt like she was more entitled to grief than I was.  Afterall, she was grieving 30-some years of memories of her father.  […]

I Get By With A Little Help

comments 3
Uncategorized

Many women struggle to talk about their experience of miscarriage, in part because many women don’t share the news of their pregnancy before the loss.  But I also think it’s because as humans, admitting we’re in pain puts us in a position of vulnerability, and that feels uncomfortable and threatening.  I felt isolated and ashamed.  Nobody within my immediate circle had lost a pregnancy so I constantly wondered if I’d done something wrong.  My close […]

In the Beginning…

comment 1
Uncategorized

My husband and I have been together a long time.  We met in college and got married when we were 26.  We were ambitious young professionals who enjoyed our independence.   We traveled a lot on the weekends and socialized a lot in the evenings.  We didn’t want to be young parents.  Besides, people in our generation were having kids later these days anyhow, right? Right???  Sometimes I wonder if I had known then, what […]

Horrible Things I’ve Thought About Pregnant Women

Leave a comment
Uncategorized

I had dinner with a cousin of mine some months after my second loss.  She was incredibly compassionate towards me, having lost her first pregnancy at 11 weeks, essentially right after she told the whole family about it.  But in addition to having a high emotional intelligence quotient, she also has a dark humor which I greatly appreciate.  She told me to watch the Garfunkel and Oates music video “Pregnant Women are Smug.”  The first […]

Fifty Shades of Pregnancy

comments 2
Uncategorized

I showed this image to my husband and it triggered a completely different set of feelings for him than it had for me when I drew it. He thought about times like our second pregnancy when, over the course of a week, we were told that my hormones were too low and things didn’t look good, then, after seeing a heartbeat on the ultrasound, told to progress as if things were normal, and ultimately told […]